Today you turn 80. Happy birthday teita. The most beautiful teita. It’s been 20 days since I got the phone call and I found out about you passing away, it hasn’t been easy at all.

We don’t do eulogies at funerals, but I couldn’t not write one for you and about you. You’re too precious and I miss you so much. I’m probably gonna cry multiple times writing and trying to finish this and I don’t know how many more times I’ll cry trying to read it through.

When I saw you and I said goodbye on the 14^th of December, I felt a relief, I felt like you were with me and I didn’t want to let you go. I just wanted to be with you as long as possible. The whole thing feels unreal but I’m glad I saw you one last time.

I was dreading this day. Dreading the day I receive a phone call about you passing away. I knew it was coming, I just wanted to postpone it as long as possible. I knew it was going to be really hard for me, I love you beyond life.

I called you on the 9^th of December and it was a phone call that was different to so many I’ve been having with you in the last couple of years. You were loud and energized and we had a laugh. You asked me when I would go to Jordan and I said that I wanted to, soon. My uncle called on the other line and I told you to hang up so you can talk to him and we’ll talk later. We ended that phone call on a high note unlike so many we’ve had before where you usually tell me to ask about you and not forget to call you, where I would hear you going wobbly on the line. That got to me every single time and I would hang up and think about how I never want to lose you.

I wish I saw you one more time, gave you a hug and kissed you and told you how much I love you.

Teita, I was so happy you stayed with me at my place in Dubai in May. I enjoyed having you at home with me. All this year, I was thinking how I needed to get a bigger apartment so I can have you visit me more and you could feel comfortable staying with me. I baked an orange Bundt cake, because you always bake me one when I visit, I bought fresh milk, because this is what you drink every morning and I filled my fridge with fruit and juice. I wanted you to feel at home because I wanted so many more of those visits.

A few weeks ago, I baked an apple pie that turned out to be one amazing apple pie. And all I could think of while it filled the apartment with that amazing smell is how much I wanted for you to taste it and how I wanted you to be proud of me for making this apple pie. After trying it, I knew for sure that I was gonna bake you one the next time I see you. Teita, you made delicious apple pies.

Teita didn’t just make delicious apple pies, she used to make me cinnamon and sugar filled pastries to die for, the best msakhan, spinach and zaatar pastries and the world’s best kubbeh. I grew up seeing teita take over the kitchen, making kaak for eid and maaroota (date filled biscuits), stuffed vine leaves and samboosak. Teita also made some amazing rice pudding that I grew up eating and loving, I wouldn’t even dare and try any rice pudding after teita’s.

Teita, I can stuff and make vine leaves the way you taught me, and one day I will master your kubbeh.

Whether from videos or pictures, I remember when I was much younger visiting you at your home, sleeping over, sleeping next to you on your very big bed, waking up to delicious breakfast, sewing me my red Indian Halloween costume, picking me up from school and you being there for all my birthdays. I would sleep next to you and we would play the ‘you’re an (object) game’, I would laugh nonstop until I fall asleep. We would take turns telling each other ‘You’re a window, you’re a door, you’re a dresser, and you’re a closet’. I remember the time I was so adamant to wear a summer dress at 4 years old in the middle of winter and you had to go run some errands and you let me wear it. You saw me freeze and covered me up in your big green coat. And I’ll never forget you convincing mom to allow me to wear that green lipstick that turned pink on the lips on my 9^th birthday.

You gave me one of your necklaces for my 30^th birthday last year. By far teita, this was the best gift I’ve ever received. It meant so much to me. When I was much younger, I would go up to your dresser and look at all your accessories and jewelry, I loved your style and I admired your collection. I thought to myself how I wanted to have similar taste when I grow up. I loved seeing your old pictures, the way you dressed up in the 60’s and 70’s, your hair, your style, absolutely beautiful. One very beautiful woman.

Teita loved alien movies. We used to sit and watch Ripley kill as many aliens as possible. When that last Alien movie came out, I wanted to watch it with you. I sat back in February and told you about all those movies you’d enjoy watching; Life, Interstellar and Arrival.

I traveled with you multiple times and I’m so grateful for doing that. I loved our visits to Syria when I was in school and later traveling to the States with you. I enjoyed spending Ramadan with you, I enjoyed every minute with you.

I am so lucky you were with me at my wedding. You helped me put my jewelry on and you looked amazing. You were reluctant to wear that silver sequin jacket and let me tell you something, you looked like a shining star. I’m so lucky you danced at my wedding and you were there until the very end. I wanted nothing more than for you to see my first born (when I was gonna have a baby). You’d say how you’re old and ready to go and I’ll tell you no, not yet. You have to see my baby (when I have one) first.

That very last phone call, I was in pain. There was so much that I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want you to stress about anything. Your wellbeing was more important to me. I wish I could talk to you and have you tell me what to do.

At last, last night (I wrote this letter a few days ago), I dreamed of you. I woke up with mixed feelings, I wanted nothing more than to dream of you and see you, but I felt bad waking up. I was in your old kitchen and there was food being prepared. You then walked into the kitchen and I was so relieved to see you. I asked you if you wanted help and you said sure, let’s finish preparing! You were whipping something next to me while I mixed a salad. You brought out the dessert to put the final touches on it and I was quite amazed and you said of course I made dessert too!

You never harmed anyone, you had many friends and they were all there paying their respects. Seeing each and every one of them with their stories brought me to tears. Having to comfort them about my grandmother passing away wasn’t easy, but I know how much they loved you and how much we all dreaded that day.

You passed away peacefully, the way you wanted, asleep on your own bed. I am so thankful you weren’t sick and walked until the very last day. I’m selfish and I wanted more of you and I have no doubt that you left us too soon. Too soon teita.

I cried my eyes out writing this and I’m debating reading it to check sentences and spelling mistakes. I love you endlessly Teita Farawla, you broke my heart when you left and I know it’s not going to be easy going forward. I have beautiful memories with you to keep me going, I was so lucky to have a grandmother like you and a relationship with you a lot of people don’t have with their grandparents. You prayed, you read Quran and you were my religious pillar, I looked up to you. I was looking forward to spending your 80^th with you. I talked to mom about how we should all spend it together and maybe we should do it in the States to gather everyone up. With the way the last few months were going I didn’t know if that was going to be possible. I was looking forward to buying you flowers this birthday, looking forward to giving you a call and wishing you an amazing year.

I’m going to miss your smile, your voice and your laugh. I’m gonna miss your mlookhieh and your stuffed potatoes. I’m gonna miss your random Skype calls while I’m at the office. I’m going to miss calling you as soon as I land in Amman and miss hugging you goodbye by the front door when I leave Amman. I’m gonna miss seeing you praying and miss seeing you sat in your corner with your laptop on playing solitaire.

I will think of you every single day. I love you forever and will always visit you. I miss you already and I’ll miss you forever. Until we meet again. Rest in peace teita.

الله يرحمك ويغفر لك ويسكنك فسيح جناته

الفاتحة عن روح فريال دياب أليف

Al Fatiha for Teita, Feryal Diab Alif.